My descent into madness....

And so it begins.  My first blog post.  It's been a long time coming.  I've been through so much in the past two years.  Before this blog becomes what I want it to become...a place for me to share cake, crafts, and other things relevant to my life...I want to tell you my story.  I don't plan on dwelling on the negative in my life, but I feel like I need to give a background of where I'm coming from.  I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings telling my story.  Here we go...

Two years ago today, on my mom and dad's 50th wedding anniversary, I walked away from my marriage.  I had been suffering from an unknown illness that ultimately eight months and ten doctors couldn't figure out.  Thankfully the eleventh doctor was willing to go in and do exploratory surgery.  My surgery was scheduled for April.  I had one month to go.  I was so stressed with my home situation that the pain killers were just not working.  I chose to leave Southern Maryland and seek refuge with my parents.  This was a tough decision because I was leaving my two beautiful children in the care of my husband and basically moving 2-1/2 hours away.  At the time, my quality of life was so poor that I could not take care of two kids.  I couldn't function.  I felt like an incredible failure, and to this day, I still do.  Fast forward to two years later.  I underwent exploratory surgery, and the problem was diagnosed and corrected.  I am now leading a normal, healthy life again.  Of course, it took a solid month to recover from the addiction to pain killers.  I am also now divorced.

My kids continue to live with my ex-husband where they seem to be thriving, but we all have our struggles.  They have the ability to choose where they want to live, and I know the schools in Calvert County are amazing and I want them to be able to stay in school with their friends and enjoy marching band and all of the other activities they love...in schools that are amazing...with friends that are wonderful.  Sometimes as a parent you have to sacrifice things to give your kids a better life.  I can't say I don't struggle with it, though.  I miss them.  Everyone has their own "scent."  A smell that is unique to them.  When you hug someone, you smell it.  I miss smelling my kids.  Their hair.  Their skin.  I sometimes don't feel like a mom.  I'm not there to say "yes" or "no" to little everyday decisions.  There are so many things about their lives that I'm not even aware of.  There is a breakdown in communication many times, and it's not until days or weeks later that I find out about things that have happened in their lives.  This is the one aspect of my life that is the hardest to deal with...not having my kids with me.  Not being able to tuck them in at night.  Not being able to hang out with them.  Not being able to hug them every day and inhale their unique scent.  My daughter will be going off to college in another year, and my son is about to start high school this fall.  Life is moving too fast and I'm missing out on their lives.  I didn't get to be a band mom.  Honestly, I feel robbed of that.

I am having a hard time coming to terms with my living situation, but I'm trying.  To go from living in your own home to living with your parents when you are 48 years old is difficult.  To go from a whole house to one bedroom is a real challenge.  I have a "divorce pile" in the basement and one in the garage. I just feel completely and incredibly displaced.  Last week I bought some storage containers and began sorting and purging and trying to get my room to be much more of a safe haven and a place to escape...planning on moving the containers up over the garage in the storage space up there.  It's a work in progress.  And while I am 48 years old and I do have my own room on the opposite end of the house as my parents, it's not the same as being in my own place.  I can stay out late if I want, but I'm waking them up if I un-alarm the house to come in at 1 in the morning. While I don't have to tell them where I'm going or what I'm doing, it feels disrespectful to keep crazy hours and do what I want. That's not the way a 48-year-old woman wants to live. They are so incredibly patient and giving, and I appreciate their generosity and their hospitality. I'm sure it's just as much of an inconvenience for them having me around.  I worry that I'm wearing out my welcome. I'm sure they never expected that they would have a child move back into their house after all of these years, and I'm sure it's not always convenient for them.  I also worry that I'm not going to be able to move out on my own.  I really would love to have my own place.  My own TV where I can sit at night and watch what I want.  A basket by my chair to hold my latest crochet project.  Coming and going without worrying about being out late.  With my name still on a mortgage for a home I don't even live in, the hope of me getting out on my own anytime soon is slim to none.

Add to this the heartbreak I've gone through.  It is my opinion I was meant to be with someone I loved from my childhood, and we just haven't been able to bring things together.  At first it was MY situation that wasn't ideal....and then it was HIS situation that presented a problem.  My heart has gotten broken in the process, and I'm struggling to recover from that.  I'll have a few days being an emotional wreck and then a few weeks of calmness where I'll start to recover and my heart will start to heal, but then he will text me and open up the wound again.  Just yesterday he texted me again after several weeks of silence, and I ended up going to bed in tears.  I deserve happiness. I deserve someone who will love me for who I am...no matter how crazy I am (and YES, I know I'm crazy).  I don't want to be alone.  I want to date.  I want a boyfriend.  Someone to hang out with, do things with....someone I know is going to be there for me.  I don't think that's asking for too much.

My work situation is beyond insane as well.  I'm currently working at a bakery/coffee shop in Rehoboth.  I am actually living my culinary dream there.  I would LOVE to have my own business...decorating cakes and cupcakes....but let's face it, that's not a possibility with my financial situation.  I can't back a business financially.  So I'm working at this really cool bakery, which I really do enjoy, but it is directly across the street from a place that has caused me a lot of heartache....a place I worked where promises were made but not kept....and I'm harboring a lot of anger.  When I go out back to take a quick break from the kitchen, it brings up a lot of anger just to look over there.  The bakery can't give me full time hours right now, and I can't survive like this.  I'm doing temp work to supplement that income.  I'm also teaching part time at the community college.  On the side, I'm also doing some pet and house sitting.  The house sitting allows me to get out on my own even if just for a few days.  Sometimes I decorate a cake on the side.  While I like being busy because it gives me less time to miss my kids, I am TIRED.  A few weeks ago, I actually worked FOUR jobs in one week.  It's physically and mentally exhausting.  I am never home.

As for my cake business that happens on the side, I don't make any money off of that.  To make a birthday cake that you can buy for $20 in Walmart, I need to charge at least $40....and that doesn't even make much of a profit because of the time involved.  Wedding cakes are more profitable, and even then I am priced pretty low and need to increase my prices.  For the last few weeks, I've had a cake order to do for Saturday which means I end up coming home from a day at the bakery to stand in a kitchen for a few hours more.  I don't get time for ME.  It's not that I don't WANT to do cake for people, because I do.  It's just that it doesn't really make money the way it's going right now.  Plus I'm using resources that aren't mine....electricity, kitchen space, etc.  It's not fair to my parents for me to run a business out of their home.

So what is it I want? Ultimately I want my life back....a place to live that I can call my own or to possibly even be married and share a home with my significant other.  I want to do cake...but full time....perhaps for myself and not for someone else's bakery.  If I can't do cake full time, then maybe just ONE job that is a full time job where I am not stretching myself too far and running myself ragged.  I want some free time to enjoy life.  We live near the beach.  It would be wonderful to be able to visit the local haunts and enjoy living here rather than coming home to drop from sheer exhaustion!

So this blog... how do I intend to use it?  It's going to be a place where I can share my love of cake with perhaps some tutorials on how to do things, a place where I can share my love of crochet and other crafts, and a place where I can share other things that I love.  I've told you my story.  It's time to move on to happiness.  Here's hoping I can make that happen.  I hope you will stick around for the madness...